I've got two choices people.....and they both kinda suck...

I have two choices:  be a skinny, hot mess or a fat, happy chic.  Let me explain, I've been really trying to lose some of this weight that has been creeping up on me since IVF plus the emotional roller coaster of three miscarriages.  Went to the doctor last month and the PA said I needed to get moving or I could gain 30 or 40 pounds on top of the IVF 15.  Well, fuck me.   One option was to go off Prozac  but I decided that wasn't going to happen since my family and B's family are one bed shy of a psycho ward.  So on to the gym I go and guess what?  I've lost 10 pounds!!!!!!  So, I'm still on the Prozac and there are still moments of "why me?!"  However, I feel somewhat better about it all.  I've been doing Herbalife, gym, boot camp, and my fitness pal app and that has really helped.  I could cry and eat a tube of chocolate chip cookie dough during one episode of Scandal.  And that is a lot of calories ( and I'm not 20 anymore so my metabolism is a tad slower).  :)

Speaking of the family and their wing in the psycho ward, I almost went off the deep end yesterday with two members of the family.  I have been really trying to be good to myself and not be such a people pleaser.  And I have to say, I really have to give myself a pat on the back.  I'm setting my boundaries and being careful and thoughtful in my response (not reactive).  So, yesterday, I got two texts from two of the psycho ward patients and I was right back to "where the hell is the alcohol and Prozac?" 

More importantly, is B's reaction to all of the texts.  I think the guy is super stressed.  He is working super hard  and trying to make all this commission.  Which seriously- is all of that necessary?  I shop at thrift stores people.  I'm not a hipster- just super cheap!!! I think he is trying to make extra money for whatever we do next on the baby front.  The burden of all of this crap is not all on him, but he doesn't feel that way.  I also worry that my ramblings and not so great reactions to all the crap that is going on is a lot for him to handle.  Shit- Maybe I need to give him some of my Prozac !  Fickle Mistress Pharmacy coming soon to a town near you.  

So thankful for friends and family

I'm so thankful for friends who have taken me to the movies or called to see how I was holding up.  Words can't even express how grateful I am for their friendship.  I truly feel that my friends have helped me pull myself back at times from the black hole.  I don't really talk too much about it with them.  It's still too hard, but I know that on some level they know that they are helping me stay sane.

B has helped so much too.  Just having him around me doing house stuff has helped.  B gives me that normalcy - that everyday existence that I crave.  I know that he is hurting too.  He was so afraid I was going to hemorrhage   Plus, it doesn't help that the surgeon said twice that just a couple of years ago I could have hemorrhaged to death.  So, I'm thankful for him.  I'm thankful for his quiet ways that give me comfort and normalcy.

Even though I have a great support system, I am trying not to fall off the depression cliff.   The one where infertility and 3 miscarriages eats you up and spits you out like a chunk of meat.  I don't know how I'm doing with that, but I'm getting dressed in the morning and not staying in bed. And that is saying a lot! There is a huge part of me that wants to just curl up in the fetal position and let life pass me by.  But I know if I do that, then I will have let myself go down the that slippery depression slope.  If I go down that road; I'm not sure I will be able to pick myself up again.

There are some days that the silence around me is deafening.  Literally, I feel like I could be swallowed up by it.  The silence in the house screams no giggling or playing.  No children.  The silence in my head screams-don't think!  It's too hard right now.  Then, I hear a little voice saying, "All you have to do today is breathe." It's that same voice that tells me to get dressed in the morning.  It's the same voice that tells me don't go down that slippery depression slope.  So, I guess she knows what she is talking about?  So, for now, I'm listening to it.  All I have to do today is breathe.  Nothing else.

The gory details....

First off, I have got to say that I'm feeling way better.  Not 100% for sure but just better.  We went to the doctor on Oct 7 for a scan to see if it was ectopic.  He assured us it wasn't.  I told him I was having pain in the left area all the way up to my belly button. He said I was constipated. 10 days later I was in the ER prepping for emergency surgery because it ruptured. The kicker is that the mass was 11cm and they had to do a c-section cut. OMG! That was so painful, I can't even describe it. Not only did I have a c-section without the baby, but they took my left tube. I really just cant believe that this is my life at times. Physically it's been three weeks and I'm really not back to normal. Sometimes I have pain on the sides of the cut. Don't know if that's normal but I have Vicodin and Motrin. Also, I'm tired all the time and really have to rest.

Emotionally, I feel gutted. 3 miscarriages and only one tube and still no baby. I don't want to sound negative, because I feel pretty lucky. I'm feel lucky because I'm alive. The doctor told B that I bleed a lot as soon as they cut. I had a lot of internal bleeding and was in danger of hemorrhaging. So lucky to be alive. So lucky to have a loving husband who was extremely worried about me. Lucky for my parents, and especially my mom who came up to help me recover. Lucky to have a home and shelter. (I keep seeing all the devastation on the TV after Sandy, and my heart just breaks for them.) I live in Texas and have lived thru my share of hurricanes. They are like an open wound that takes forever to get back to normal.

On a side note, the OB on call who did the surgery is really trying to give me the brush off. I called today because I had some questions, and the nurse said that she didn't need to see me again. Really? She put me on light driving duty and of course pelvic rest. She said that I could be off pelvic rest in 4-6 weeks, but she didn't need to see me?! Ok.... Just totally stratching my head about all of this.

These last few weeks have been hell...

I have lots to update, but I wanted to quickly recap. I'll go into more detail later. It was an ectopic pregnancy that the fertility clinic missed!!! I had emergency surgery on Wednesday because it had ruptured. They had to take my left tube, but I'm alive and recovering so I'm so grateful for that. These are my nurses...

Miscarriage #3

I just wanted to update everyone.  Don't have the heart to go into details, but I will miscarry.  Numbers rose then dropped off suddenly.  I will update later when I have the strength. 

The pregnant bleeding women and the 3rd Beta

I have been spotting and slight bleeding off and on for two days. It has been a very long ride. I had a great weekend with all my friends, and after a slight spotting incident on Friday I thought I was clear. By the weekend, all was cleared up. (*****TMI warning*****) So Monday rolls around and I was having bathroom issues. To top that, I woke up and there was blood on the toilet paper. All day long at work, there was spotting/bleeding off and on. Then by Tuesday morning, it was waaayyy more red than I wanted. It was even bright or dark red at times. It doesn't fill up a pad, but it is there when I wipe. So scary!

Today I called in sick and called the doctor trying not to freak. They wanted me to go in for more beta blood work. I went in and the results were good. My beta was 1183. It more than doubled, so I am so pleased and thankful for that. Thank you God! The only thing that was discouraging besides the red flow down below, was that my progesterone was a 3. WTH?! Last time it was a 12. So, not sure what exactly is going on, but doctor said that she wants to keep it all the same for now. I really just want to double up on the progesterone just to make sure. They want to wait to the Monday ultrasound before they do anything.

Now, I'm in a holding pattern now. Going to the restroom is scary for me now, but I'm trying to remain calm. I've been remaining positive but praying every 5 minutes. Monday is a long way away.

Breathing a sigh of relief.......

My third beta came in today at 454 at 15dp5dt!  Thank you and praise God.  I wish I could say that I handled the wait well, but I didn't.  I didn't cry too much, but I had a shit storm of worry.  I test again next Friday.  I was so sure I was out because I've had no symptoms - save for being tired.  On top of that, I've had this weird spotting with the Crione.  My nurse said that sometimes it can agrevate the cervix, but if it becomes more to just watch it.  I'm trying going to remain positive on the Crione/spotting thing now.  Just so darn excited for the beta number that I might actually for one second believe that it will work.  For today, this is  my rainbow......